January 28, 2011

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Is there a person in your life who always has a hug and makes you feel better when they're around? Who is it – and what do you love about them? As I sit here and listen to the buzzes and beeps of the machines that Maddox is hooked up to, I start to cry. Not for the fear of what&#39;s going on with him, but the lack of ability to switch places with him. The helplessness and hopelessness that I have in my heart right now compares to none other.<br/> <br/> They call him the &quot;Happy Wheezer&quot;. This means he flirts with all of the Doctors and Nurses with his huge smiles and big blue eyes while he struggles for air. He gasps and retracts and chokes to make them smile. He struggles to sleep as he tries to get comfortable with the IV and oxygen tubes taking over his small lethargic body. And I ask myself, why can&#39;t that be me God? Why did you allow this to happen to Maddox? He&#39;s the baby! He&#39;s never done anything to hurt anyone!! Take me!! Don&#39;t put him thru this! But, God doesn&#39;t respond to my plea&#39;s to make me sick instead.<br/> <br/> I want so badly to pick him up and cuddle him and know that everything in the world is perfect as I lay him down in his own crib. I want to tuck both kids in at night and then go snuggle into bed and know that it will all be alright as my husband holds me and we both drift to sleep. But tonight again I will settle for every two hours or less being woken up to make sure he’s doing ok. I will sleep on a pull out recliner just to be as close to him as I can be. I wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world but listening to him happily wheeze himself to sleep.<br/>

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